I wish my sister and I were close. We used to be, I guess. When we were really little. And even then, I was always the only one trying to make a relationship. She would play dolls and school and house with me but it was always one sided, in my opinion. She might have played with me, but she never connected with me. Now she lives with her boyfriend, over the store I work at, and even though she'll stop in and say hey and/or ask me if I want anything, it's still not the same as having a close sisterly friendship.

I think it's all my fault though

In junior high, I wasn't on any medication and I had severe anxiety that was left untreated, eventually leading into a deep depression. I wasn't ever myself. I was always seeing things as a blur, I was quite upset. I would cry out of nowhere. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Then I started to cut myself, even after I was medicated, finally. I don't think she knew how to deal with having a sister that was hurting herself. She never asked me about it, never took me aside and spoke to me or let me know she was there. I didn't even think she was aware of it until one day my mom told me she took it hard.

I remember one time hearing her crying in the shower and I asked my mom why. She told me she was crying over me. That was the one and only time she ever showed emotion towards me. If it was even directed at me. But it was gut wrenching to listen to her cry, especially if it was over my own self mutilation.

Even today, years later, she's 21 and I'm almost 20, we still don't talk about it. It's an unspoken thing. We're all content to believe it was a phase of some sort even though I struggle with my moods daily, even on my antidepressants. 

I know how my sister is. She's a solid person, rarely gets emotional. She reminds me of our dad, who doesn't ever really break down. And when he does, it's more so just being angry, rather than being upset. My mother and I are two peas in a pod. We both are very sensitive and cry at the drop of a hat. So I guess I need to understand that my sister shows her feelings in other ways, even if it's not the way I do.

I like to think that some day we'll have a stronger relationship. Growing up, we'd watch movies with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in them and I always desired to have a relationship like they did in their movies. How awesome to have a sister. It's like a built in friend with your blood line. But it was never like that with us and there's nothing I can do to try to fix my past.

I worry that one day my parents will pass and my sister and I won't have any real reason to see each other. We see each other now only because we go home on Sundays for dinner and I see her sometimes leaving for school and work. But other than that, we don't have much to talk about.

It's kind of sad how I've always wanted my sister to be there for me somehow and it never actually happened, even with me pushing for it. 

I don't know why I brought up the fact that I cut myself. I suppose it's because I felt that if she should've been a better sister to me, it would've been during the time I was hurting myself. I still feel like she shut me out because of that.

I'm sad today

My beautiful, beautiful dog. Her name is Princess Bianca, she’s a Maltese, currently 13 years old. Her birthday just passed on March 7, and she is the most wonderful dog to exist in my eyes. She’s gone through her fair share of health issues. She’s a bit overweight for a Maltese, but her health was always okay for the most part until we found a lump on her front paw. We got it checked out it and it turned out to be skin cancer. 

After surgery and a shit ton of money later, she came out fine and remarkably seemed to turn into her old self again. The doctors removed 98% of the cancer cells and deemed her surgery successful. Before she was even able to go through the surgery, she had to go for a bunch of tests, which brought to our attention that she had heart complications, a heart murmur, but she was healthy enough to undergo to operation.

It’s been about a year since then and everything seemed to be okay until last night. I came home from my boyfriend’s house and went to my parents room to grab my dog, who stays on their bed until I get home at night and she comes to my room. But my mom told me that she was having some trouble, making choking sounds. like she was coughing up phlegm and having difficulty stopping.

I kept an eye on her and she continued to do it, it sounded like a hair ball or something was caught in her throat, but I just hoped it was indeed phlegm. I suspected she could’ve gotten sick from me and my dad, who were both coughing up our share.

But this morning when I woke up, I realized my Princess was still coughing. I brought her into my mom’s room, and my mom called the vet again (she had called the night before, but the doctor suggested the phlegm theory and that it might just be a “reverse sneeze” and I was content to believe that for the night) and she brought my dog in. I had to go to work, so I waited for her call, which I got earlier.

Apparently Princess had a lot of fluid in her lungs, which explains the gurgling kind of sound she was making. I’ve never heard anything quite like that come from her. Plus she looked like her oxygen was being cut off each time she attempted to regain her breath. 

The vet told my mother that if we hadn’t taken her in to see him, then she might’ve had heart failure or a heart attack, both of which could’ve killed her.

I know she’s getting older, but she’s my baby. She really is. I owe her my life. I remember making a bunch of money from communion gifts when I was little and my parents asking me what I wanted. I immediately said a dog and had them sign a fake contract I made up, just in case they changed their mind. 

I remember meeting her, I remember her peeing on the floor at the place we got her from. She was so excited to be running around. I kept calling her ‘girl’ because I wasn’t sure how to refer to her. I remember taking her home but no one letting me hold her since she was so little and so was I.

I remember my childhood, having her around. Putting her in my doll carriages and a blanket over her so she could be wheeled around. She used to hang out with my uncle’s German Shepherd, so she started getting a little bit of a tough attitude. She was also very protective and jealous of anyone that came near me.

But I always have loved her, she’s always come first for me. I literally leaned on her when I was depressed in junior high, leading into high school. I was suicidal, I wanted to kill myself, and my parents knew about it. My mom was super paranoid that I’d kill myself if I ever was in a room alone, so she’d always give me Princess to keep with me. I stand by the fact that I didn’t kill myself is because my dog was there in the room with me when I was at my lowest. I couldn’t ever take my life in front of my dog, I loved her too much.

She has been my rock, through all the shit I’ve gone through. I’ve never had to do it alone. She has been my best friend, when I was single, when my friends weren’t there for me, when I was fighting with someone. She is the only constant for me. And now it doesn’t seem like she will be constant forever.

And it’s breaking my heart.

I’m so scared she’s going to die. Even if it’s not now, it’s inevitable and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with it. I spoke to my dad today when I called him to update him on her progress and he basically said we’d do everything possible but I should start “preparing” myself because she is old and dogs do die. But I’ve always kind of closed my mind off to the thought of my dog possibly dying. She’s been the one strong part of my life, the one thing I rely on entirely. 

It’s also killing me that this past year, I haven’t spent nearly as much time with her as I used to. I’ve been running around a lot, going to my boyfriend’s straight from work, only seeing her in the mornings and late nights. I just want to have every moment possible with her, if it’s possible she’s near her end.

I don’t know what to do if anything happens to her.

I’m not sure I’ll be okay. I love her with everything I have. I know things like this happen but I’m not willing to let go. Not now. Not anytime soon. I know she has a lot of fight in her, I just need to make sure she gets the chance to fight it. Whatever it is.

I’m so sad thinking about this. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. Animals are so innocent and beautiful and loyal and I wish that my dog was okay. I’m so worried about her, I’ve been crying on and off all day. I don’t even know how big of a deal it is right now. She’s still at the vet.

But all I know is that I love her, I will always love her, she is my heart.

i decided to sign up for the opportunity to volunteer with the ASPCA in my neighborhood
i should be getting an email response in may, where i will be given the information necessary to go ahead and attend orientation
evidently it's a weekly thing, an hour or so.
this seems absolutely perfect for me

i love animals, i need to do something selfless, i want to be near pets.

this should be great 

my boyfriend is jealous of my sisters boyfriend and our relationship. he's been dating my sister for over four years, he's come on vacations with my family, he's been in my house, i work for his mother, my parents are good friends with his family. he's basically a brother to me. scratch that: brother in law. 

he will be, someday. my sister lives in an apartment with him for about two years now.

but even if not, right now, he's my brother.

but my boyfriend, currently, is apparently very jealous of our friendship.
my sister's boyfriend likes to joke around, he's a bit of a jokester and says some things, admittedly, inappropriate, things.

my boyfriend has been taking this out on me for awhile now, sporadically.
yesterday it hit an all time breaking point when he basically told me i was "infatuated" with my sisters boyfriend. and now it's "clearer than ever."

... this was all done when i had a bunch of family over, people from overseas and such.
it was a huge fight and he said that randomly to me, implying i should go downstairs with everyone else and with my sisters boyfriend so i could be happy.

and i assure you, i do not like my sisters boyfriend in any way other than a friend, a relative, whatever. he's not someone i am, or ever have been, attracted to. i do not think that way, and i respect boundaries and the fact that my sister is in love with him. i do not in any way want anything with him, other than what we already have as a family.

but my boyfriend thinks what he says is out of line (occasionally he'll make references to sex or sex with my sister or something, joking about how he'll "leave the door open" in case I want to join or something). Yes, he's inappropriate, but that's just his way.

i don't give my boyfriend any reason to think i would do anything like that
he just is taking his jealousy or anger or whatever it is out by outright suggesting i am INFATUATED with my sister's boyfriend.

and that disgusts me

what kind of fucked up thought is that? especially when i've gotten angry with him for even implying it

i don't know what to do.
he's angry with me because my sisters boyfriend came into my job (he lives above my job) before he went to the gym and started asking if he looked "bigger" and more "jacked." and my boyfriend was on the other line with me and heard and basically put the phone down and hung up on me afterwards.

he's being so fucking rude and nasty and i don't know what else. i'm trying to be nice and use a calm tone and whatnot but my sanity is truly going to turn into insanity if it keeps up. i love my boyfriend very much but i am going to resent him if this keeps being brought up. i don't think this is something i can help him with, other than remaining loyal. which i have. i never did anything to make him think i'd even think of another guy like that. much less my sisters boyfriend.

i don't even know what to think about this. should i put up with it? should i help him?
i don't know how to handle this kind of thing, it's never been said to me before.

in july my family is taking both of our boyfriends on vacation for a week and i don't know if it'll be a good one because they'll both be together in the same hotel room and i will have to, obviously, interact with my sister and her boyfriend, so should i just fucking let him bitch and deal with the consequences? god i hate saying that, i feel like im doing something wrong but I'm not.

any thoughts? 

I was going to write a post summing up all the good and bad experiences I had during 2011, but I don't think that's what I need to do right now. There's so much that happened, I couldn't possibly put it into words to post on my blog. So I think I'll just look at what is necessary, in my opinion.

I dropped out of school in 2011. I finished my last semester in May and I haven't looked back. College isn't my top priority right now, even if I do go back some time in the future. It just wasn't the right time for me to be there and I felt it would benefit me to leave and focus on things I find more important.

I fell in love in 2011.
With an ex boyfriend from about four years ago

I'm still in love with him. It's going to be a year this coming February. I'm excited for that.

I left people behind, I don't regret that. I cut ties with people I didn't need to be tied to, stopped depriving myself of enjoying time, for the most part. I still worry and get myself twisted but I can always remind myself to stay grounded. I still have a lot of learning to do, of course.

My dog underwent two operations. One was for skin cancer, one was for removing something from her gums.
She's strong and pulled through and she's a brand new dog now. Her energy and spunk is still there and she's wonderful, as always. I put my life on that dog - she pulled me through so much. I wish I could explain what an impact her existence has had on me - I can only hope she feels it.

I saw my favorite band, My Chemical Romance, live at Starland ballroom. I've been a fan for about seven years roughly and it was my third time seeing them live. I credit that band for being the strength for me when I was struggling with my anxiety and depression, before I was put on medication about six years ago.

I still think if it wasn't for their music, I would've sunk myself even deeper into my own hole and I don't know what I was capable of. I was capable of hurting myself, killing myself wasn't far off and I wish I could personally thank them for being the people they are and creating the words and sounds to my personal hell and helping me get out of it.

I introduced my boyfriend to my parents about five months into our relationship. I kept it a secret for so long since they didn't like him too much four years ago. They were quite resistant at first to meet him again, but I pushed for it and now they love him and he comes over every week for dinner with us.

I smoked bud almost every single day of 2011, excluding January and some of February. The only days I didn't smoke after that were days I was in Florida for a week and when I was sick, and even then, I smoked. It's a form of medicine for me - I realize that it winds me down and calms me.

In 2011, I started getting b12 shots and taking vitamins because my health seemed to be detiorating.
I feel a lot better than I did this time last year.

Happy new year to all
Let's make 2012 our fucking year